9 hours of work today until midnight.
You called last night. Crying. When you were drunk.
To talk to your one friend who always listens.
Well…at least we used to be friends…right?
You said that I am the only person ever that you felt you could call at any time, and know that I would be there to listen.
Yet you want nothing to do with me.
You say you are this terrible person that can’t be satisfied with anything.
You say that you just used me and would keep doing the same if we still had something. Because that is who you say you are.
If you honestly believe that, then ok.
You never really believed me everytime I told you how amazing you are.
Including a booklet of 50 things I loved about you.
I tried. But no matter what, I guess you always really believed that you were this terrible person.
Honestly, I don’t think you are.
And I’m not just saying that because of the fact that I am still in love with you.
I am saying that because I really do believe that you are not the person you say you are.
A while ago I posted a picture of an old couple.
I believe the quote was something about how back in their day, if something was broken they would fix it and not throw it away.
I did my best to fix it.
Essentially for this entire previous year.
You are giving up. And throwing it away.
After a roller coaster of emotions and problems, this semester is coming to a close.
Being my most intensive academic weeks of the semester, it is not going to be fun.
Especially while dealing with everything that has happened.
And what is to come.
Lets see how productive I can be.
…where I just sit on the porch, smoke my pipe, and contemplate…
Whether or not I should buy a train ticket and spontaneously show up at your doorstep.
Kiss you before anyone says a word and not worry about the consequences.
Sitting on this porch, singing along to all these old songs of the past.
Hoping to God that you will just drive up when “Colder Weather” is playing and have a 10 minute hug.
If there was a prefect time to listen to my prayers for help, it would be right now God.
I need some help.
I thought I was all good.
I’m not anymore.
I thought I was stronger than this.
I don’t think I ever was.
I thought I was better than this.
I’m just like everyone else.
I don’t like it.
Something needs to happen.
I don’t know what. But hopefully it happens soon.
Most old drafts of stuff I was going to show her.
It’s still hard to even post these things ever since we broke up.
But I shouldn’t keep them.
Maybe one day I will feel the same things as the pictures I reblog.
Hopefully the future she will feel the same way too.
Kinda in a down mood if you haven’t noticed.
Barely slept last night.
I came across a few thoughts / feelings / realizations today.
Most of which I don’t want to end up being true.
We shall see what happens.
Time to go out to Ride The Rail at Legends.
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
If anyone is around that area…we always have the corner booth.
Life is tough.
It’s a series of ups and downs. Hills you have to go over. Valleys you sink into.
It is a learning experience. An intense adventure.
An emotional and physical roller coaster.
But it is beautiful.
Every moment of experiencing. Enjoying. Living.
Obviously I just went through a big event in my life. It was not fun. But I’ve learned from it. I’ve learned a lot.