I feel like it’s going to be a shitty day.
After my job training, I’m probably going to smoke myself retarded and go on a super long bike ride by myself listening to music like I did yesterday.
I should have stopped months ago.
There is nowhere to go but up. Right?
I want my life to fast forward about 5 years into the future.
Where will I be?
Will I be happy?
Will I have someone that cares about me?
I don’t know. And I hate not knowing.
That’s all life is. Just taking everything one step at a time.
Looking over all the songs you’ve showed me since the beginning.
Then realized that you showed me a few of them after you were feeling how you were feeling.
Changed my feelings about those songs.
Also, last night was the first time in a while that I cried to sleep over you.
It was not fun.
Tumblr…how do I get over all of this?
I just want to move on…how can I do that?
For a while I thought I was doing ok.
Then the other day I thought about looking through that photo album of us you made me.
And I had to hold back the tears.
But you know what.
Sometimes. People can be absolute assholes.
For no reason whatsoever.
And that also makes me feel down and confused as to what I said wrong.
Half of me feels sorry for you and wants to help. The other half couldn’t care less.
But the side that couldn’t care less…that’s not me.
If shutting me out is what you want. If you want to figure out your whole friends/loneliness thing on your own, then so be it.
But just know, that even though you’ve put me through all the things you have, I’m still there for you.
Kinda feel like a loyal dog that doesn’t know any better.
That’s both a good and bad thing.
I have so much more to learn. About life, relationships, and stuff in general.
I hope I can figure it all out without you guiding me like you used to.
Part of me wants to say “fuck you”.
Part of me wants to be eternally mad at you.
But once again thats not me.
I’m too nice. Too accepting. And like the dog, I will always come back to help.
I don’t know if I like this about myself.
I hope you and I both feel better by Unofficial.
I would love nothing more to hang out as friends. But I just don’t know if I’ll be ready for that yet. And if you can’t understand that, then maybe you are an asshole.
Plain White T’s - A Lonely September.
I don’t understand it at the moment.
I thought I did. At least a little.
But I realize I have no clue about any of it.
Gonna write a paper about Love.
Using Plato’s Symposium.
Lets see what philosophical ideas I can create and hopefully have a better understanding about love in the end.
I have that many drafts.
Most of which are about / were for her.
And I don’t want to post a bunch of them because I shouldn’t anymore.
On a side note, the weather today is similar to how I’m feeling.
Tired. Hungover. Sad. Gloomy. Lazy.
So how do I get over this?
Time is the only answer.
Drugs, alcohol and partying are only temporary.
PS. Don’t be sorry for breaking my heart. We had a damn good time and you know it. I feel like I got the closure I needed that last night that I didn’t get in August. I’ll be ok. Even though you know that it’ll be rough. For both of us.
PPS. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over this. Those kinds of feeling don’t just go away. Even with time.
And now our relationship is over.
We will no longer be a couple.
But hey. I had a fantastic week driving you home and hanging out, as good friends.
Even though we had an emotional night and talked through a lot, we both know that this kind of friendship is one that lasts a lifetime.
We will go our separate ways.
Live our separate lives.
Reminisce on the good times we’ve had.
And still continue to be young hooligans doing what we do.
Tokey the Tiger and the Brownie Scout. Showing the world what’s up.
These next few weeks will be hard. But we will get through it.
Everything will work out in the end.
Thank you for everything you have taught me during our year together.
I’m glad we could end on a good note.
You will always be my little buddah.
Life is tough.
It’s a series of ups and downs. Hills you have to go over. Valleys you sink into.
It is a learning experience. An intense adventure.
An emotional and physical roller coaster.
But it is beautiful.
Every moment of experiencing. Enjoying. Living.
Obviously I just went through a big event in my life. It was not fun. But I’ve learned from it. I’ve learned a lot.
Why do I keep apologizing when I’ve done nothing. Why do I keep waiting knowing that I’ll just be sad again in a week or two. Why do I stay when they’ve moved on. Why haven’t I left after what they’ve done. Why don’t I just forget, after what has happened to my heart a couple times. Why should I be here after the roller coaster you’ve put me on. Why is it that everything I see around me can never be as good as how it used to be. Ever. Why should I keep hoping. Praying. Loving.